Saturday, September 29, 2007

nobody feels like talking to me anymore? y does it feel this way? msn ppl, nobody dun wan to reply me anymore? den when others talk to them, make it sound like they dun wana talk to them anymore, den they will msn them le... k, confusing... i understand can le... how come i lately so sad? haiz.. i dun like this feeling...

i duno wat to do le.... like wat suk fen last time said before.. do good nobody praise, do lousy, everybody complain. suddenly very sad. wan cry... i dun like myself anymore.

我讨厌我自己的生活，心里头好多心结。想不开，放不下。好伤心。

the thoughts flowed.. {6:58 PM}
_________________________________________________________

Thursday, September 27, 2007

i'm basically a selfish, spoilt brat that is still very childish in her own ways. a person that plenty dislikes because i can nvr grow up, and i do things based on how i view they are right.. true. 100 and 1% true. that's y nobody likes me.. and i'm nvr a favourite of anybody's.

i nvr thought that far.. i nvr want to think that far.. also because i have a childish mindset, so i choose to trust everybody and everything that people says. at times, there are people who ask me, how come i believe everything that they say? simple... i duno. it's easier for me to believe everything that people say and trust them. if i have to think and ponder if what they are saying is true, den it wouldn't have the basic trust that even between colleagues should have. it would be a waste of time to reconsider what people said. since the mouth is theirs, even if they are bluffing, they wouldn't tell..

anyway, it's difficult working in a place where nobody trusts nobody else. i just wana lead a peaceful life. wait for him to come by and bring me away. if i could write my own life story... woo... how great it would be.. just that i wouldn't know where i would start.

如果有人疼，谁不会要呢？
如果让我找到你，我是不会放手的。我也不会让你再离开我的身边多一次了。

the thoughts flowed.. {5:35 PM}
_________________________________________________________

Monday, September 24, 2007

i dun understand.. y is it always that u will ask me to do something, but u will do the opposite. i dun think it's nice. i'm giving in to u. but u nvr know what it feels like. all i can feel is pain. i dun like it. every short blog post that brings out the pain in me. no longer intense feelings. but just seeping pain from the heart. i wish everyday is a nicer day...

wat a short post. so much to say, but so little i wana type here.

the thoughts flowed.. {11:07 AM}
_________________________________________________________

Saturday, September 22, 2007

你知不知道你对我所说的每一句话我都把它刻在心理？你知不知道我的心很痛？为了你而痛。我为什么要为了你而活？为什么就是振作不起来？为什么一直想着你？为什么。。不是被抛弃。。可是这种感觉，能和那天差一点死的经验一起比。。。 可能，每一个人只是说了就算了。可是。。这样子。 不好。

我。。。 算了。我也不知道该怎么说。如果人不需要这颗心才能活，我早把它挖出来了。它带给我太多痛，太多伤，太多苦了。。=（

the thoughts flowed.. {4:57 PM}
_________________________________________________________

Friday, September 21, 2007

yesterday night, i was crying so hard.. i felt so miserable. and i was thinking... if one day, i was admitted into the hospital, would anybody even come to visit me at all? and i continued to think.. if i were to die, would anybody attend my funeral..

and just today, i was almost knocked down by a bus. crossing the familiar road... a bus came out of no where... well.. it was my fault.. i wasn't paying any attention. last time, close encounters with death made my hair stand, and made me feel scared.. but today, i was totally emotionless. i felt completely nothing..

maybe it's come true. the difference between everybody and me is that they have a heart and i don't. mine died some time ago. how could i feel this way when it concerns my life and death? i duno... i'm typing everything out and emptying the insides of my brain. all i have is thoughts.. no more feelings...

the thoughts flowed.. {12:23 PM}
_________________________________________________________

Thursday, September 20, 2007

everyday, i come to work with different feelings... i feel tired... feel like i dun wana stay here anymore. how can i stop thinking of wanting to quit? i dun really want to quit... but the intense feelings that i cun put into words... every feeling that's seeping out from my once alive heart is bringing hatred down to my veins. i no longer know how to treat people properly. i duno how to love anymore. everything that i do, it feels like it is no needed.. a little something extra. it's never needed... just something to pass a day, to prove that i have done my job...

i duno how to stop these thoughts. i wana dig out my brain and drown my heart... such unwanted feelings. how can i get rid of them? i wana hug him.. i dun ever wana let go... but being told to let go of a relationship that never started.. the pain. the misery. when can i ever belong?

if i had a choice to choose if i want to live? not really... i just want to skip earth and go to heaven immediately. i miss my secondary school life. i miss just staying home and watching tv all day long. off days are the shortest days of our life... i wana have friends around me... but i just feel the cold surrounding me.. and darkness.. that's all..

just hope i dun get depression.. i'm tired.. dun feel like doing anything... just wana stare into his eyes and fall aslp. haiz.

the thoughts flowed.. {3:48 PM}
_________________________________________________________

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

wat a joke!!!! yesterday i wanted to go change my hp, den i walked all the way down from lavender to bugis, but i was informed by the m1 staff that all w580i out of stock!! den i called into the customer service today to make reservation.. but the person said i needed to wait until 1st october to check if the stock came.. and it's subject to confirmation!! *faints* that's like so irritating lor. cos a friend told me that his friend was able to get the phone the day before yesterday..

sianededededed... haiz... i'm going to go to bedok's m1 exclusive distributor shop today to go check if have stock... ask me to wait another 2 weeks... haiyo... i cannot... neither can my phone last another 2 more weeks wor.

the thoughts flowed.. {10:12 AM}
_________________________________________________________

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

我不喜欢他。他只是我的朋友。我的心里是不是这样子想的？我想这个样子告诉自己，可是，我真的能说服自己我要这样子对他吗？我能这样子对他吗？真不知道该怎么办。每天都过着不快乐的日子，不想继续在这里工作了。想找个机会离开，想找个爱我的人过幸福的生活。

我突然谁都不爱，谁都不想见。不介意一直做工。做到麻木。做到我再也没有感情，不再知道什么是爱，什么是恨。我想忘记一切的一切，不要再依赖别人了，不想再对这个世界有什么牵挂了。

因为我不像是活着的人。没有人会自愿来跟我说话。每次都是要帮忙才来找我，这种感觉，我不喜欢。。从来没有感觉到活着是那么的痛苦。难道跟我说话，跟我来往真得那么惨吗？我有那么可怕吗？人真的很现实。现实到无法接受的地步。

我讨厌我自己。没有一个人说得到做得到。伤心，难过。。我已经不再是以前的我了。对不起带给你们那么多伤害。。

the thoughts flowed.. {3:29 PM}
_________________________________________________________

Monday, September 17, 2007

a new day, a new post. i'm going to change hp tml... though my initial thought was to get a nokia phone, tml i'l be going down to get myself a sony ericsson phone.. too bad it doesn't have 3g. but my current phone really.. haiz. dying le.. so i better change a new one..

what does independence mean? means not relying on anybody? somehow.. i dun like the thought of being independent. it sounds a little like isolation. know it's not.. but .... argh.. these days are so difficult. y do i feel like i dun belong anymore?

i dun feel a sense of belonging at work, at home, at school. how i wish everyday was ordinary days. how i wish to quit. quit both school and work. maybe go stay in a cave and sleep and hibernate like the polar bears?

much has happened. or maybe i'm just thinking too much... way too much that i dun enjoy every living day that my Lord has given to me.. i'm tired at school... i wish, pray, hope, for an easier life..

not a very good girl thinking of lazy thoughts and blogging when i'm supposed to be working.. huh? lolz...

anyway, i have a certain post that i locked up... if u guys saw it... dun say anything about it. it's something i dun wana delete but i'll nvr let others read again.

the thoughts flowed.. {9:12 AM}
_________________________________________________________

Sunday, September 16, 2007

i hate my job more and more... and i hate the people here more and more. i'm getting back my feelings. my intense feelings of hatred. it's totally unfair that my manager only listens to wat others say and nvr wat i have to say...

ok... this dumb incident just happened less than an hour ago... i was issuing voucher for this stupid booking that is departing on 17th morning... so by right, u supposed to stay on the 17th. but the dumb staff key in 18th check in and stay till 20th. and the return coach is also 20th. even if i wan to help, i dun have the staff's number or the pax's number... cos the stupid staff didn't key into the booking...

i intercom her seat. and the person who picked up the phone was supposedly the manager over there. and the manager when hear abt the booking, i told her can she help me contact the staff... den she was like 'u wan contact the staff?' den i was like???????????????? i dun have her number and i have alot of vouchers more to print de... louder den usual... so she said that just issue, den if the staff key wrong, she will have to be responsible for the mistake.

den after that, the stupid phone of my manager's sounded... and i got a complaint. isn't it like completely wonderful? i duno wat's the problem lo. i dun think i was rude. i think it was completely 100% ridiculous that the manager of that branch didn't want to help her own staff!!!! like how weird?!?!?!

and another thing that i was simply disappointed is that my branch de manager oso didn't want to find out wat happened. i'm super tired working here. everything oso cannot. dun say their mistakes oso cannot. say their mistakes den cannot scold. cannot this cannot that. anyway, like PLS LOR!!!! if feed back to their branch de managers will help take care of the staff and the 'mountain like' mistakes... this place wouldn't exist anymore and not so many people would quit le. i simply hate this place and i feel terrible. y these few days, little little bit cry... aiyo... so not me lo.

and i oso dun understand y some are too sensitive and some are under sensitive... clearly, i can see biasness, favouritism and everything else negative going around in this stupid branch of mine and this stupid company. i hate this place. too bad i need to study for 2 years so i need this super flexible job. if not i would have quit a long time ago.

the thoughts flowed.. {11:51 AM}
_________________________________________________________

Thursday, September 06, 2007

an issue that has been running through my mind constantly these few days. should i quit or not. it feels horrible to cry every night. every single night that when i talk to office ppl, i will cry. not only do tears roll down my cheeks. but i actually sob. today told my mummy that i wanted to quit. she told me to consider carefully. cos if i work, i'll have income. but if i quit, she will only be able to provide me for a limited time and i would not have the luxury of spending anymore when i go out with my friends. and after school.. have to go home to help..

really... should i quit or not? talking to a friend at night helps. knowing there's someone there for me... knowing there's someone to comfort me, to accompany me till late at night when i'm up for projects. to sms and chat about little stuff. to know that my friend is safely home after work. and to stay up and msn and sms.

back to the main topic... reason being... i feel so mistreated. no authority, no friends, no time. this place feels so 'cold'... there's no longer the warmth that i felt in the past. nobody cares abt wat i say... nobody cares about my feelings... and everybody expects me to help them limitlessly. they need to know that i am only a voucher person. i dun do everything... i need my own freedom at times also..

maybe i should stop thinking abt this for awhile... i'm very tired.. i miss him... alot.

心痛。。不想做了。带我离开这个伤心地。
其它什么东西我都不要了。就只要他。。。要他留在我身边。想躺在你的胸怀里，安心的过我的生活。

the thoughts flowed.. {8:24 PM}
_________________________________________________________

Monday, September 03, 2007

today is a start of a normal day... the end of pre natas.. but today i'm late twice. i wanted to work at 6am this morning. but instead, i woke up at 5.45am. too late to catch a cab and rush down to work. was quite pissed about it. but since i was tired, i went back to sleep... intending to go to work and start by 9am as i have classes later on this evening... but guess wat... i woke up at 9am. haha... so therefore, i'm late twice. haiz.

but, anyways, i'm not very down nor am i very pissed... i'm feeling relatively ok. yesterday night msged him till fell aslp. without knowing it also. =) quite happy. and today can see him. also happy.... but anyway... watever the whole world says.. i think we are only friends. i love this feeling of not being angry or irritated at anything. somehow, i feel like i cun be angry with him around. he kinda eases the intense feelings of anger and restlessness within me.

i'm very tired... feeling sick, fell sick yesterday, but 'healed' by the end of yesterday... but maybe not enuf rest. so no matter wat, i'm still feeling weak and queasy. hope i will have time to spend w my family and my dog soon. haven't been talking and chatting w my mum for a long time. and i miss hugging my dog. long time nvr sayang him and carry him le.. haiz. miss my dog...

the thoughts flowed.. {12:36 PM}
_________________________________________________________